Culinary Misadventures 3

First of all, sorry about the lack of interesting updates lately. It just so happens that my current interests don’t lend themselves well to conversion into blog posts. Hopefully that’ll change in the near future.

Anyway…

This particular culinary misadventure was, like the chocolate-covered banana, not really a wacky, daring experiment in gastronomic daring so much as “something I thought was going to be good and turned out to be crappy and kinda nasty.”

I bought a blender recently, and as with any such appliance (waffle irons, juicers, and veg-o-matics also fall into this category), I frequently have the urge to blend things in order to convince myself that I actually had a good reason for buying the thing. So, for my lunch today, I thought I’d puree some bananas with yogurt (I steadfastly refuse to use the word “smoothie”; admittedly “pureed bananas” sounds less appetizing, but I have my principles). The problem was, I only had one banana. At first, I thought I’d add some apple to it to bulk it up, but then I discovered that I was out of apples. So I searched my pantry for things that might go well with banana. Genius that I am, I settled on Raisin Bran, thinking “What could be healthier than bananas, yogurt, and high fiber cereal all blended together?” Perhaps I should also have asked myself “What could taste better than bananas, yogurt, and high fiber ceral all blended together?”, because the obvious answer (“Anything”) would probably have knocked some sense into me. I should have known better than to actually eat the stuff when I saw how it looked:

I immediatley found myself referring to this as “not-diarrhea,” to make it more palatable. And honestly, the first few sips weren’t all that bad. Chunkier perhaps than any lunchtime beverage should be, but not all that bad. I added cinnamon and vanilla to the mixture, which complemented the bananas and the raisins nicely. Then, the horrors began.

Little did our oblivious protagonist know, but even as the malevolent concoction sat on his table, it was undergoing a horrible transformation. At first, I thought the impression that it had gotten thicker somehow was just my imagination. But, like someone in a horror movie, this assumption consigned me to a horrible fate.

Within minutes, the stuff had thickened from a pleasant pureƩ to a palatable slop, and then to a tolerable goop, and finally, to a roundly unpleasant porridge. When I turned the blender pitcher upside-down, the stuff flatly refused to drip out. At this point, it had ceased being a liquid.

Now, to be fair, I can’t say the flavor got any worse. Actually, the stuff wasn’t bad throughout. It tasted pretty much exactly like Raisin Bran. The texture, however, went from that of diarrhea to that of vomit as the stuff sat in the cup, and ultimately, I couldn’t finish it. This picture will show you why:

To get an idea of the texture, take a gander at this video. The color and the consistency of their “Fast Food Smoothie” is pretty much the same as that of my gloop.

Consider this a sort of public service announcement:

Before you buy a blender, consider the potential consequences. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your stomach. Do it for your tongue. Do it for the children.

I knew I should have bought a waffle iron instead.

(That funny-looking object at the bottom of the picture, slightly to the right of center, is my foot. Just in case you were wondering.)

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Culinary Misadventures 2

People who know me will tell you that, while I don’t come close to the Fat Albert extreme, I’m not exactly petite. The main reason behind that is that I love my sweets. Anyway, my health took a serious hit this week when I bought a couple of bags of chocolate chips and realized that I could make my own chocolates.

Thus, this week’s culinary misadventure isn’t a misadventure in the same way as making an octopus-and-pickle sandwich; it’s really more of a “gee-I-don’t-know-if-this-is-a-good-idea” sort of thing. I promise to resume eating weird and potentially gross things next time.

Anyway, this week’s misadventure: a chocolate-covered banana. It’s a misadventure mainly because I seriously underestimated just how much chocolate it would take to cover a whole banana. I only thank my lucky stars that I didn’t have, say, a Twinkie, or a container of peanuts, or any amount of nougat or caramel in the house… After discovering that I could indeed melt chocolate in the microwave (and after discovering that, last night, there is indeed a limit to how long you can leave it in there before it starts gushing smoke and emitting a horrible smell), I peeled a nice ripe banana, slathered it with melted chocolate (I’m sure Freud would have a field day with that one), and stuck it in the freezer. This was the result:

The little broken bits laying there are because some of the chocolate pooled under the banana while it was hardening (shut up, Sigmund), and I broke it off because I thought that the minor decrease in the amount of chocolate might somehow push my meal from “terrible idea” to “questionable idea.”

Result: Delicious, although I can feel the chocolate hitting my stomach like a ton of chocolate-covered bricks. Delicious, and also incredibly bad for you. (How cruel that those two always seem to go together) Easy to make, too.

Judgment: 9/10.