What the Internet Likes

Being a blogger who sits in the sad, lonely corner of the Internet along with all the twitchy Twitterers whose updates all look like “f*cking blue dog dems need to stfu,” I occasionally (okay, frequently) feel the need to inflate my own sense of importance.

This time, I’ll be doing that by using my humble little blog as a statistical snapshot of the things the Internet likes.

Oh, Internet, you’re such a muddled psychotic bitch (or bastard, in the interest of equality)…

By far, the Internet loves VY Canis Majoris, the current candidate for “largest star in the universe,” more than anything else. Since I posted it, it’s gotten an absurd 13,766 views. Whoo.

Okay, so that’s nice: people want to learn things about the mysteries of the universe. Cool. Maybe we’re doing better as a society than I thought. But no. No. The rest of my science posts languish in the bottom of the bargain bin, while, by far, my Zombie Simulator-related posts are the proud runners up, having garnered 10,466 views.

Okay. Internet-people like zombies. No big surprise. You know what else Internet people like? Stupid memes. That crazed devotion to sloppily-doctored pictures with poorly-spelled captions earned my “Yo Dawg…” post 437 views. What to take away from this: the Internet likes memes, but it likes them more than an order of magnitude less than zombies.

Struggling along near the back of the pack, battling shinsplints since the first quarter-mile, is the Giant Rubber-Band Ball, with 302. Puffing along beside it, considering an unsportsmanlike elbow to the face, is Poor Man’s Liquid Nitrogen with 292.

So what have we learned? Well, that the Internet is a big fan of impractical time-wasting things, often with a scientific theme. A lot like me.

But you might be asking, what doesn’t the Internet like? Well, a lot of things, but mostly, my weekly updates and various other posts about my life. So the Internet thinks I’m kind of a loser. A lot like me. But now, that’s really more my psychiatrist’s business than yours, isn’t it.

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