Products I Won’t Buy/Shows and Movies I Won’t Watch/Miscellaneous things I Won’t Be Associated With Because of the Odiousness of their Advertising

Long title, I know. Sorry. That was, believe it or not, the most concise way I could think of putting it.

This list has been festering in the back of my mind for a while. I thought it’d be a good time to air it out; it was starting to stink up up my hindbrain. So, here it is:

  • Dr. Scholl’s: An irritating series of forced rhymes does not an amusing advert make.
  • Zwinky: I don’t know what it is, but I’ve seen enough banner ads for it to hate it with all my heart.
  • Jack in the Box food: Just because you say every other fast food chain sucks does not make it true. Also, that angus-anus thing was kind of transparent. Better luck next time.
  • The Transformers Movie: Flooding all channels with hyped-up ads only annoys me, it has never gotten me to see a movie.
  • Chevrolet automobiles: Their poor fuel-efficiency notwithstanding, the fact that they’ve formed an evil union with the above movie has made me hate them. Also, when you go Toyota, you don’t go back. (I know, that doesn’t rhyme…I’m not very good at such witticisms.)
  • Skechers shoes: Sure, life is easier when you ignore the world’s problems and concentrate on shoes, but that doesn’t make for a very satisfying life.
  • Old Navy: First came the irritating ads, then the nonsensical ads, and now it seems the age of the irritating ads has returned.
  • Suzuki automobiles/motorcycles: A woman in a leather jacket only entices the more simple-minded members of my gender (which happen to be the majority, but still).
  • That patty melt sandwich: I didn’t even want to risk seeing it again, so I didn’t bother finding out who made it. Sexist advertising is not the wave of the future, but apparently they still think it works.
  • Diet Pepsi: Fifty-six percent is not that much greater than fifty percent. This is not an election. Get a sharp pin and deflate your ego.
  • VisionWorks eyeglasses: I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing with twitchy, strangely composed animations.
  • The iPhone: I must admit, general hype made me jaded, but the ads, with their plinky, pretty music, did not help.
  • AT&T: Okay, since they seem to be moving to take over the entire world, I may have trouble avoiding them, but the fact that they seemed to have formed an evil conglomerate, then advertised it widely, kind of turned me off. Try a striptease next time. (Only kidding. All the members of the Evil Conglomerate are fifty-year-old, fat, rich, white men who don’t get enough sun).
  • Reality Television: Okay, you know what, I’m gonna need an entire separate post for this one. More on this later.
  • That free-text-messaging phone: Whichever advertiser created that irritating “IDK my BFF Jill” commercial should be beaten into a coma, allowed to recover, and beaten into a coma again. I repeat, and for the last time: media saturation does not a successful/good product make!
  • Welch’s Grape Juice: Getting creepy, annoying, Dakota-fanning-esque little girls to say canned lines without a hint of real sincerity is just creepy. It’s like that scene in the horror movie where you see the former sidekick standing up and waving, but you know it’s just the alien tentacles shoved up his rectum and into his brain making him do it. (Hmm…my similes seem to be rather peculiar today).
  • Glomobi: Who the hell wants a crying baby ringtone for a cell phone? Odds are, in the same restaurant as the twerp with the loud phone will be a real crying baby. And get an announcer with a less annoying voice while you’re at it.
  • Subway sandwiches: Okay, I still eat there, but only because the sandwiches are good. Next time, though, take a hint: nobody wants to see a grossly overweight man or the pale, skinny corporate sock puppet he evolved into. And why must you always follow up “Subway” with “Restaurants”? Everybody knows it’s a restaurant! Subway might be one of the most easily-recognizable restaurant names on the planet!
  • McDonalds: Not only does their food have a tendency to make me ill, and not only does it tend to contain more than the FDA’s legal maximum concentration of livestock excrement, but trying to make a really shitty chain of restaurants sound glamorous while continuing to serve up low-quality, high-fat, dangerous food is not a good idea. Also, everybody can tell that you have produced one set of adverts to attract white people, and a totally separate set for black people. Neither group is so stupid as not to notice that.

Well, it certainly feels good to get all that off my chest! More ranting later!

Posted in Rants. 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “Products I Won’t Buy/Shows and Movies I Won’t Watch/Miscellaneous things I Won’t Be Associated With Because of the Odiousness of their Advertising”

  1. distorted Says:

    Great article. I really enjoyed it. One thing I’d like to point out however: Most of the vehicles in Transformers were made by GM. Only one Ford was featured in the movie.

  2. asymptote Says:

    Yeah, I saw the commercial again after I wrote the article and realized they weren’t Fords after all, but by then I’d lost my Internet access. Now that I’ve got it back, I’ll be fixing the error.

  3. can't-think-of-anything Says:

    Really funny! Though I haven’t even seen most of the.. ok, *any* of the ads you’re talking about, I was still grinning from ear to ear whilst reading.

  4. asymptote Says:

    Well, thank you! Such feedback is always GREATLY appreciated!

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