Movie Land

In the same vein as my “TV Land” post, here is the world described in Hollywood films. In Movie Land…

  • … if a black person is present, he or she will inevitably die first.
  • … in the absence of a black person, or after they have departed, any person with glasses will die immediately.
  • … if the room is dark and silent, somebody is going to die.
  • … if a silence is followed by an absentminded moment of relief, somebody is going to die.
  • … a shadow dropping from the ceiling is a surefire predictor of death.
  • … fire leads immediately to explosion. No exceptions.
  • … at least one car will explode at some time during the movie.
  • … the female companion of the villain will, somehow, some way, defect to the hero’s side.
  • … the hero will survive. Even if he is tossed out into the void of space, somehow, he or she will survive.
  • … somebody who coughs has a terrible disease, and will be dead within minutes.
  • … anybody who discovers an ancient artifact will immediately investigate it. They will subsequently die.
  • … the person who makes clever quips throughout the beginning of the movie will either be killed heartbreakingly, or become the comic relief.
  • … if the two focal characters are of opposite sexes, they will have at least one make-out scene, and probably a sex scene.
  • … a projectile depicted in slow motion always finds its mark.
  • … a one-liner is always a precursor to victory. No exceptions.
  • … the more risky a driver you are, the less chance anything bad will actually happen to you.
  • … if a spacecraft is punctured, a low-ranking person will be ejected into space.
  • … an ominous but seemingly empty planet contains some sort of bizarre killer being that’s been waiting for 2,000 years. Always.
  • … an evil villain who pretends to spare some poor weakling will kill him in short order.
  • … a religious person who has lost their faith will regain it by the end of the film.
  • … a cold, introverted, uncaring sort’s heart will be melted by the end of the film.
  • … a cold woman will defrost by the end of the film, in a big way. She usually ends up having a love scene with the hero.
  • … children are never killed, but are instead used to inspire fear and suspense that they might be killed.
  • … if a police officer catches up with the hero (or villain) during a chase, that officer will be killed before pursuing legal action. Heroes and villains do not get speeding tickets.
  • … if the camera is focused on the starter as someone turns the key, a car bomb is about to explode.
  • … a person admitted into the hospital in critical condition either recovers remarkably quickly (their eyes usually snap open at the end of the film), or they flatline while the hero is present.
  • … CPR either drags out endlessly or saves the recipient at the last possible moment.
  • … zombies cannot use weapons. No exceptions.
  • … alien creatures either speak English (often unaccented), or they speak in primal, indecipherable growls.
  • … anybody who goes to “check anything out,” will be dead quickly.
  • … a savant-ish person will either find a great use for their talent or they will become sociable by the end of the film.
  • … if it’s unlikely, if it’s foolish, if it makes no sense, if it’s implausible, if it has no bearing on the plot, it is certain to happen at least once.

More on this later…movies are definitely a more fertile ground for this than TV.

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