I’m sure somebody, probably more than one person, has done this before, but I felt it was my duty to contribute my sarcastic observations about the world constructed by television producers. What would this world be like? Well, here are some things I’ve observed:
In TV Land…
- …a car bomb never, never renders the car unrecognizable.
- …a gunshot wound to the head is always fatal.
- …pretty much everybody is dating all the time.
- …all teenagers are either disturbed and angsty or completely well-adjusted.
- …the crime scene investigators always figure out exactly what happened in some crime.
- …any illness can be treated, as long as you figure out what it is before the patient dies.
- …a dead body is always a crime victim; nobody ever just dies of natural causes in the street.
- …somebody enjoying a relaxing day of recreation is guaranteed to either be killed, fall ill, witness a crime, or get some really bad news.
- …if someone appears to be ill, it’s the person sitting next to them who actually is.
- …there’s always a miracle drug that just came onto the market for any illness.
- …all awkward, intelligent people have great looks.
- …explosions do very little damage to their surroundings.
- …if someone has an accent, they’re probably the villain.
- …the homeless can always be bribed.
- …the mentally ill are always very mentally ill.
- …large sums of money are always transferred in impressive silver suitcases.
- …nuclear weapons will always be disarmed.
- …if a disaster is about to take place, then some heroic soul will attempt to stop it, even if it’s a volcano or an earthquake.
- …the criminal is never slick enough not to run the second somebody gets suspicious of them.
- …if it’s a crime show, the person first interviewed usually ends up being the villain.
- …the human body contains about ten gallons of blood.
- …dying people always have some very poignant last words.
- …dying people always close their eyes slowly just before they die.
- …there will be somebody in the cast, guaranteed, with hand-to-hand combat skills.
- …the above person will usually be a nerdy sort.
- …the news is accurate and unbiased.
I’ll add to this as soon as I can think of some others. Also, look forward to “In Movie Land”…