Absurd

Being the sort of person who doesn’t get out much, I don’t often get the chance to make firsthand observations of the more absurd parts of our world. That’s okay, because, sometimes, the absurdity comes and finds me.

Today, while I was out grocery shopping, I noticed a stand set up near the entrance to the grocery store. I took only enough notice of it to build up a little half-hearted hatred of all advertising promotions, but as I parked and walked towards the store, I came to a bizarre realization. The stand, plastered with the logo of a large beverage company (which shall remain nameless), was selling lemonade.

Some cultural context is in order: I am a member of one of the last generations to have the lemonade stand as a symbol of entreperneuership. The lemonade stand was the big capitalist metaphor when I was growing up, the very embodiment of our ideal of the American small-business spirit.

And there, right there in the parking lot of the big chain grocery store that long ago supplanted the independent local movie house, right there, was yet another gigantic corporation, moving in on the territory of the little guy, the sidewalk lemonade vendor. I desperately wish I’d had my camera with me then, because the symbolism of all that was deliciously painful (or painfully delicious).

So, just remember: if you start to get worried that the world seems to be sorting itself out, don’t worry. Proof will arrive momentarily to remind you that it’s still an absolutely absurd place.

Cartoon Me

Greg Williams, a cartoonist for the newspaper The Tampa Bay Observer, is certainly moving with the times. He draws a comic called Blogjam for the Observer based on blog posts from various sources. He took an interest in my long-ago post about the helium shortage, and turned it into a comic. The result? A delightfully-illustrated comic of the post, including a cartoon version of me!

You can see the comic here. And be sure to check out some of Williams’s other comics here. And I’m not just suggesting that because he drew me as flatteringly less scruffy than I actually look in real life, but because it’s actually an interesting and well-executed series he’s got going there.

How to Write Well

If you saw the title of this post and immediately started reading it, you’ve got a lot to learn. If there’s anything I’ve learned in all my years as a novice writer of fiction, it’s that it’s pretty much impossible to be taught how to write well. Fortunately, that’s not what I’m trying to do here. Instead, I present a list of helpful suggestions that will not teach you how to write well, but, hopefully, teach you how to teach yourself how to write well (how’s that for a new-agey, wishy-washy sentence?). Here goes:

1. Read Every Day: This one is vital. You won’t be able to write well unless you are A) some sort of prodigy, or B) you read enough good writing to know what good writing looks like. After a while, you may (as I have) learn to “mimic” other writers’ styles, and after a while, you begin to take bits of style from different writers, until your own personal style of writing emerges. A warning, however: if you intend to write in one particular genre, do not read books exclusively of that genre. The worst thing a writer can do is to become wed to a single genre. This goes especially for science fiction writers.
2. Write Every Day: This is especially helpful when writing a novel. This has gotten me through two novels and numerous short stories. You don’t have to write much. If you’re not feeling inspired, just write a few paragraphs. If you’re in a better mood, write more. This step is especially helpful, since not only does it keep you from getting out of practice (which happens faster than you think), but it also keeps your plot from stalling or getting bogged down. As hard as it may be, you should emphasize this step even more when your story seems to be going nowhere. The only way you’ll get yourself out of any corner you might have written yourself into is to keep working at it, millimeter by millimeter if necessary, until inspiration strikes.
3. Don’t Give Up on a Good Idea: If you’ve got a good story idea, one that really speaks to you, focus on it. Even if you have other story ideas, try to focus on the one that you think has the most potential. Don’t neglect your other writings by any means, but remember: they can be continued later on. Here, I like to employ a method I call “seeding”: write a few paragraphs of your new story that capture the feel and the mood of it, and then shelve it until your main story is done. That way, you won’t lose the essence of that story, and you also won’t get distracted from your primary one.
4. Stockpile Ideas: Whenever an interesting story idea strikes you, write it down. You don’t even have to start writing it, but at least make a note so that you don’t forget it. Personally, I like to do this in a spiral notebook that I use exclusively for the purpose of recording story ideas, but you can do it however you see fit. This is important for those dryspells when you’re feeling uninspired, or when you’re assailed by writer’s block.
5. Let the Stories Write Themselves: As you accumulate writing experience, you may begin to notice that your stories seem to flow rather naturally, once they’ve got some momentum going. Plot events seem almost to appear out of thin air, and turns of phrase suggest themselves to you. Don’t fight this, it can be extremely helpful and productive. Don’t “take your hands off the wheel” by all means. After all, this is your story. But don’t force it; instead, try to give the plot a gentle nudge in your intended direction.
6. Expand Your Mind: This one is probably one of the most important steps. It’ll keep your style fresh and help you be more creative, which will help you tremendously when you’re suffering from writer’s block or feeling uninspired, or when you’ve written yourself into a corner:
   • Step Outside Yourself: Don’t write exclusively within a narrow genre (this goes hand-in-hand with Step 1). One of my most fascinating writing experiences was when I decided to take a chance and try to write a romance-based science fiction novella.
   • Experiment With your Style: There’s a school of literary thought called Oulipo that originally developed in France, based on the idea of enhancing creativity through self-constraint. There was one novel (the title of which escapes me at the moment) which was written entirely without the use of the letter “E”. Some authors write in anagrams or palindromes. Get creative. I can especially recommend the letter-omission method, which very powerfully forces you to alter your language and crack open your thesaurus.
7. Don’t Distract Yourself: Unless you are a supremely focused person, music or external noise will likely distract you from your writing. Even if you think you’re concentrating very intensely, you may find that your writing simply isn’t as good when there’s noise or distractions in the background. I find that radio and most music usually turn my writing to rubbish (I’m listening to NPR as I write this article, which probably explains a lot). An exception I’ve found is the music of Brian Eno, and pretty much any orchestral music. Even better, you can sometimes use music to manipulate the mood of your writing. For example, if you have to write a sad scene, but you’re just in too good a mood to do so, try writing with Moonlight Sonata in the background.
8. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously: Many serious-minded people have no doubt said things to the effect of “Writing is not a hobby!” The thing is, writing can be a hobby if you want it to be. Contrary to popular belief, you can write without being published, or without ever intending to be published. Actually, some of the best writing (such as Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, if I’m not mistaken), has been written for the sake of nobody but the author. The problem with taking yourself too seriously is twofold: 1) You may stop enjoying writing, which is one of the quickest ways to start writing badly; 2) You may develop what I like to call an “inflamed ego,” which is the second quickest way to ruin your writing.
9. Know Your Words: They call writers “wordsmiths” for a reason. If you want to write well, and avoid becoming repetitive or stale, learn all the words you can. Adjectives are very helpful (as long as you don’t overdo it). A good thesaurus is invaluable (the one that comes with your word processor included). Also, remember what they taught you in elementary school (at least, I hope they’re still teaching this): look up any word you don’t recognize, especially if you like the sound of it. I find dictionary.com especially useful for this, since I write primarily on the computer (my handwriting is far too slow to be productive).
10. Be Original: Whether you think so or not, every writer has at least one unique story in them. Don’t be afraid to tell it. Good writers tend to be the ones that either write something that has never been written before, or find a way to write something old in a remarkable new way. And don’t be daunted by all my superlatives and adjectives, because you can, with practice, write something that’s never been written before, something remarkable.

That is my advice.

Writings Page — Up and Running!

As promised, I’m slowly beginning to merge this site with my two other blogs. Pursuant to that, I’m now posting some of my short stories on the newly-minted Writings page. I plan to update it semi-regularly — that is, on those rare occasions when I can actually get around to writing semi-regularly — so check it periodically. When I’ve finished my revisions on For Ardella (the novella I wrote for NaNoWriMo 2007), I’ll probably post that, too.

A warning: if there isn’t now, there will probably at some point in the future be stuff posted to the Writings page that is not suitable for very young readers (especially if I actually get around to posting For Ardella). There won’t be anything terribly pornographic or overwhelmingly vile and horrible, but I certainly wouldn’t recommend all of my stories for people younger than fifteen or so. But, if you think that you’re mature enough to handle mature themes like sex and death and all that good stuff, then go for it. You have been warned.

Zombie Infection Simulator

Yesterday evening, as I was wiling away some hours at the computer, a thought struck me. I realized that my knowledge of NetLogo has finally reached the point at which I could build something I’ve wanted to build for a long time: a simulation of a zombie outbreak. Ever since I saw the cool simulator on this page, I’ve wanted to build my own version in NetLogo, but I’ve never been competent enough to program it. Now that I’ve got some experience under my belt, I was finally able to pull it off.

Here are the basics:

• Humans show up as blue dots. They walk at a leisurely pace, and flock together with other humans.
• Panicked humans result whenever a human sees a zombie or another panicked human. Panicked humans run faster than normal ones, change directions more often, and don’t flock. If there’s nothing threatening about, and the general panic level has died down, they turn back into normal humans.
• Zombies are green. They lack any sort of intelligence and wander around randomly. If a human gets too close to them, they may attack, resulting in infection.
• Fighting humans are humanity’s only hope to resist the zombie hordes. They show up as yellow. Fighters flock together with other fighters, and also seek out any zombies nearby. They also have a rallying effect. That is, they have a tendency to make panicking humans calm and urge calm humans to fight. Sometimes, fighters break under the strain and panic, or, if there are no immediate threats, they go back to normal.

These rules are fairly simple, but I’ve been working with StarLogo and NetLogo for long enough now to know that emergence can perform feats of magic with simple rules. And I did indeed get some fascinating behavior.

As I toyed around with the simulator, I discovered the importance of scaling. With a small map and a large population, the behavior seemed to resemble that one might find in an urban setting, and as the map size increased, the behavior seemed to be more like that of a county or a small country, with the groups of humans representing cities, or something to that effect.

The first run I did for this post was an urban one with an initial human population of 300 (THIS IS SPARTAAA!!! Sorry…couldn’t help myself.)

The humans have organized into “flocks”. For some reason, there seems to be a bias that causes them to favor moving down the map, rather than in some other direction. I’m still trying to fix that particular bug.

Now the fun part begins. I cause one human to suddenly become a zombie, and the infection starts. All the people nearby start to panic, except for a small group of renegades who become fighters and start hunting down the zombies.

As the epidemic begins to grow out of control, panic spreads throughout the “city”. Groups of fighters attempt to rally the panicking citizenry, but their efforts are for naught, as the growing zombie horde continues to inspire panic.

Groups of fighters still try valiantly to keep the infection under control, but it’s already too far gone. By this point, social organization is beginning to decay.

As the situation continues to spiral out of control, social order breaks down, and humans stop forming flocks. Groups of fighters are overwhelmed on every front.

It is the end of days (well, at least the end of the “city”). There are few humans left, and those survivors are panicked and running for their lives. Note the single fighter still trying to kill zombies. Unfortunately, this is not an actual zombie movie, and so there’s pretty much no chance that a ruggedly good-looking male protagonist is going to rally a ragtag group of comic-relief-spouting survivors and save the day.

This program is incredibly fun to play with, and I’ll put it up for download as soon as I get around to it. In the meantime, I’ll do a larger run, one that represents more of a “nationwide” zombie epidemic. But since, for some reason, this simulation is pretty CPU-intensive, it’s going to take me a while to get around to running that one.

Many thanks to Kevan Davis for the inspiration for this simulation!

And, once again, many thanks to the makers of NetLogo. I know it sounds like I’m on their payroll or something, but NetLogo really does make programming multi-agent simulations pathetically simple.

SimHeart — Now Available for Download

All right, as promised, I’ve finally figured out a way that people can download SimHeart to play with it themselves. Many thanks to the folks at NetLogo for automating so much of the process, and thanks to MediaFire.com for the free file hosting.

The file is kind of large because, in order for it to work, I had to put a bunch of Java modules into the folder with it, but it shouldn’t take too long to download, even over a slow-ish Internet connection. When you’ve downloaded it, you’ll need to extract the file to your desktop. I recommend an unzipping program like WinZip or WinAce. The program should (major, major emphasis on should) work on Macs and PCs, but I make no guarantees.

To run the simulation, go into the folder into which you’ve extracted SimHeart, and double click on the HTML file there. It should open up in a new window, and you should see the simulation screen. If you don’t, either you don’t have an up-to-date version of Java, or something went wrong in the download process, or I made a mistake zipping the files. If you checked the previous two things, please leave a comment and describe the problem, and I’ll try to help, although I make no claims to be very good at this kind of thing.

Also, I must provide the obligatory legal disclaimer: I take no responsibility if this file somehow damages your system. To my knowledge, there is absolutely nothing in the file that should do so, but you never know, something might have gotten corrupted or damaged along the way. Also, this software is for entertainment purposes only, and should not be taken as any form of medical advice. I’m not sure why anybody would, but you never know.

Download SimHeart 2.0 here.

If you already have the latest version of NetLogo installed on your computer, you can download the much smaller .nlogo file here. If you’re interested in this kind of thing, you should go ahead and download NetLogo (you can do that here). Not only will it allow you to download a much smaller file, but NetLogo comes with a whole cornucopia of fascinating little simulations, and there are more you can download from the Internet.

If you have trouble with either of these files, please let me know by commenting on this post. If you don’t want to do that for some reason, send an e-mail to asymptote [døt] inverse [át] gmail [døt] com (Sorry about all the weird characters in there, but that account gets enough spam as it is, without ever having broadcast the address on the Internet, so I figured I’d better obfuscate as much as possible).

I’ll try to update the files as I revise SimHeart, but I seem to be at a point where there’s not much more I can do with it, at least not without rewriting most of the code. I’ll be sure to post updates as they come.

Advertising Schizophrenia

Another odd title, I know, but it suits my subject.

You see, over the past year or so, I’ve noticed a very worrying trend in advertising. It isn’t as insidious as the ultrasonic “sound spotlights” (which can beam adverts at you that only you can hear (!)), or as dangerous as all the political advertising that’s going to be plaguing us in a few months, but it is still worrying: all the advertisers have gone insane.

I first began to notice this in car commercials. Then, it was restaurant ads. Now, it’s spread through most of the advertising community. It seems that the advertisers have gotten so good at manipulating us that they think they no longer need to design ads that actually make sense. Perhaps it’s some sort of attempt to bypass our reality filters and inject the “Buy our crap” message directly into our cerebral corticies, but either way, it’s damned annoying.

An example: the other day, I was sitting down with my parents to watch some television, when an advertisement for Kentucky Fried Chicken came on. It showed a bunch of jovial, racially-diverse young people sitting down and biting into Photoshop-enhanced chicken wings (that would probably rate as beauty queens, as far as fried poultry goes, and that, incidentally, look nothing like the real thing; but I guess I should be used to that by now), then, they acted surprised (incidentally, where do they get these commercial actors these days? It must be the suburbs, because only a white suburbanite is so good at dripping with insincerity), and said something like “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that!” Apparently, it was an advert for KFC’s new “Sauceless Hot Wing.” I wasn’t sure I’d heard that right, but I’ve seen the ad a few times since then, and that was, indeed, what I was seeing. What the hell!? Is this what the advertisers expect us to see as “innovation”? “Hey, look, we’ve got a hot wing without any sauce! Buy our crap!” And before someone counters, “Well, it’ll be nice not to get all that sauce on your hands,” allow me to provide a blistering rebuttal: No it won’t. The messiness of hot wings is part of their charm! It’s part of the experience! And people who really like hot wings don’t mind the sauce, anyway.

But this rant isn’t just about fat-fried poultry. Car ads, too, are getting worse and worse. None of them make any sense, or if they do, their messages are painfully obvious. So, apparently they think we’ve become so simpleminded that all it’ll take for us to buy a new car is a bunch of loud music, pretty people, and nice graphics. Well, actually, now that I think about it…that probably is all it’ll take to get most people to buy a car. Sorry, I forgot I was dealing with Americans here.

Well, since I’m already railing against advertising, I thought I might as well rail against something more serious: pre-movie advertising. A week or two ago, I went to see Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (the disastrous result of which can be found here). Before the movie, there was the standard parade of random advertising. This parade has been getting longer and longer, to the point where it has approximately the same length as an actual parade, and is just about as boring. Then, an ad that was recognizably one of the new (schizophrenic) ads came on. It was loud, it was fast, and it was terrifying. The noise and the flashing lights drowned out my thoughts, and I got the extraordinarily unsettling feeling that somebody was trying to crowbar their way into my brain. So, since they haven’t figured out how to actually manipulate our minds (yet), they’ve done the next best thing and figured out how to make it impossible to think. Wonderful. Before long, I’m sure we’ll be seeing ads promoting Ingsoc and reminding us that Big Brother is watching.

Those are my (disjointed) thoughts.

Happy New Year, 2008

I’m aware that this isn’t exactly the most original post ever written, but it didn’t seem right to simply ignore the new year altogether.

I’ve got big plans for 2008. This year, I’m going to experience new things. I’m going to get out there and be part of the world. As cheesy as that sounds, damn it, I’m gonna do it! So there!

Here are a few things I’m looking forward to in 2008:

• Voting in my first presidential election.
• Being annoyed at the available candidates in my first presidential election.
• Celebrating my 20th birthday. Three decades down, probably six more to go!
• Finally being old enough to start complaining about how easy the younguns have it. Yes, I know that’s usually reserved for people in their sixties, but at the pace things are going today, we twenty-year-olds feel like we’re in our sixties.
• A whole slew of scientific discoveries.
• The government’s denial of the ramifications of about half of those discoveries.
• A whole slew of new films.
• Being able to ruthlessly shred those films with criticism for being clichéd dross.
• A potential film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road.
• Being blissfully ignorant of the next season of American Idol.
• All the celebrities that we’ll get to see crash and burn.
• Ignoring the news coverage of those celebrities’ fiery falls from grace. (Like they ever had any grace to begin with…)
• And finally…writing a whole bunch of bleakly cynical blog posts!

According to the Chinese calendar, 2008 is the Year of the Rat. As strangely appropriate as that may be, being an election year and all, I prefer to think of 2008 as the Year of the Cynic. That is to say, this is my year!

I wish you all the very best in the new year!

Environmental “Protection” Agency

Since I was young, I’ve always been something of an environmentalist. I haven’t been a passionate environmentalist for years, and here’s why: I gave up. I eventually realized that a government will enact environmental legislation only when it serves them to do so, and that they’ll ignore it when whatever crisis they were protecting themselves against has passed.

It’s a lucky thing I’m not passionate anymore, because if I were, then I would be up in arms right now, yelling in the streets. And nobody wants that.

Here’s what’s gotten under my skin lately: very recently, California attempted to pass environmental regulations much tougher than those mandated nationwide. As California is one of the most polluted states and, paradoxically, one of the most environmentally-conscious — they were the ones, after all, who mandated a quota of zero-emissions (electric) vehicles, before the industry shut them down — this would seem rather logical. And, of course, logic and government don’t mix well, so something went wrong.

I suppose I should learn to expect such things, in this age of do-nothing, get-out-before-the-ship-sinks government, but what happened surprised even cynical old me: the EPA overruled California. Yes, that’s right, I said the EPA. Those letters used to stand for “Environmental Protection Agency.” Given their recent actions, I would recommend we change their meaning to something more appropriate, preferably with a couple of expletives in there. My suggestion is “Excessively Petty Assholes.”

Many will no doubt think this judgment too harsh, but my sordid tale is not finished. California’s regulations were put in place because Californians complain that global warming threatens their water supplies, their agricultures, and — given the increased incidence of forest fires that warming brings — their population. The EPA’s response? “Not on your life!” The EPA actually attempted to claim that there was not a credible threat to justify such harsh local environmental regulations. What!?!? California, as a coastal state, will probably be one of the first states to face a credible threat from global warming. Hell, they’ve already faced a credible threat from global warming! Didn’t they have a terrible fire a few weeks ago?!

It gets worse. The EPA also said that global warming regulations should be nationwide, not local. Right. Because those nationwide regulations were getting passed in a real damned hurry. To me, this looks suspiciously like the current do-nothing administration just buying time until they can inflate their golden parachutes. I just hope that when the forests star to slowly burn away, the coastlines flood and erode as the icecaps melt, the North Atlantic current breaks down, freezing Britain under an ice-age glacier, and the water-shortage wars in Africa and the Middle East spread worldwide, that the fifty years of environmentally-ignorant politicians we’ve suffered through are mostly still alive, so that with whatever breath the toxic atmosphere will allow us, we can all point and laugh at them.

Hm…that was a bit cynical even for me. Note to self: don’t write any more posts early in the morning.

The Singularity

For the past few decades, an idea referred to as “the Singularity” has been bantered about by futurists and technologists. Basically, the theory of the Singularity goes something like this:

Given the rapidly accelerating pace of technological advance, and the fact that, eventually, we will develop artificial intelligence capable of driving further technological advance at a faster pace than human beings ever could, we will eventually reach a point in our advancement where the rate of advance accelerates towards infinity.

Now, this idea may sound rather batty, but just consider this: the Universe formed some 13.7 billion years ago. The solar system, about 4.6 billion years ago. Multicellular life: 500 million years ago. Primates: 5 million years ago. Language: 40,000 years ago. Civilization: 10,000 years ago. The Enlightenment: 400 years. The Industrial Revolution: 150 years. Computers: 50 years. The Internet: 10 years. “Web 2.0″: 2-3 years. Each of these paradigm shifts is happening after a shorter and shorter delay, and, unless we manage to wipe ourselves out somehow (not exactly a remote possibility), then it seems that such a rapid acceleration of technological advance is inevitable.

A much better treatment of this idea can be found in Ray Kurzweil’s book The Singularity is Near. A fictionalized version of the idea graces Charles Stross’s (probably the best Singularitarian author I know of) book Accelerando. But, since you were nice enough to visit me in this little pocket of the Internet, I thought I’d give you a condensed timeline of the predicted unfolding of the Singularity:

• By about 2015: Practical artificial intelligence is created and comes into use. The A.I.’s can’t pass the Turing Test yet, but they’re very useful in many venues, and they’re advancing all the time. Artificial-Intelligence methods are used to design new technologies, sowing the seeds of the Singularity.
• By about 2030: The first practical neural implants enter the market. These implants enhance human capabilities immensely, marrying the speed and stability of electronic circuits with the redundancy and plasticity of human neurons.
• By about 2040: Human-level A.I. is born. Computers and robots gain civil rights, and begin competing with their human makers.
• By about 2050: The aforementioned neural-implant technology combines with artificial intelligence and allows human minds to be “uploaded” and maintained in computers. The merging of mind and machine begins.
• By the late 21st century: Nonenhanced humans are completely “obsolete.” Computing power continues to increase. Nanotechnology allows computers to infiltrate every part of our lives.
• The end of the 21st century: The Singularity arrives. All of the computing power on Earth merges into one vast super-intelligence, which begins expanding out into the Universe.
• Sometime next century: Nanotechnology begins dismantling all the matter in the solar system, and some matter in nearby space. All is converted to “intelligent matter” capable of performing ultrafast calculations for a tiny energy cost.
• Who Knows When: The Singularity-Consciousness evolves to the point that it is capable of manipulating matter and energy on the smallest scales, and thus “reprogramming the universe.” New universes can be created to escape the inevitable demise of this universe.
• After That: Consciousness controls the entire Universe, and many beyond it. It can create universes at will, and expand infinitely. Frank Tipler calls this the “Omega Point.” Some Singularitarians call this “God.”

The really creepy thing is that, in all likelihood, I, being a young and fairly healthy person, will live to see this. Barring some sort of unfortunate incident, I — and probably quite a large fraction of my readers, too — will live long enough to be absorbed into the Singularity. And, since we will then be able to escape from our physical bodies, we will live essentially forever.

Food for thought, as usual.

The Giant Rubber-Band Ball

Sometimes, I am compelled to do things. Sometimes, as in the case of National Novel-Writing Month, these compulsions allow me to produce neat things like novels. But, at other times, they just compel me to waste a Sunday afternoon making, say, a giant rubber-band ball.

What you are looking at is the result of two or three afternoons’ effort. So far, the ball consists of the contents of two OfficeMax one-pound bags of assorted rubber bands, in addition to a core of miscellaneous bands I had sitting around the house. Here’s another picture, this one with a quarter for comparison.

My ultimate goal is to (eventually) build the ball up to the size of a basketball. Then, if I haven’t worn my fingers down to stumps or been locked in a padded cell, I might consider going for the world record. I wonder how big the world’s biggest rubber band ball is?

That right there is proof that, no matter what you do, a nerd (such as myself) always manages to have too much time on his hands. That’s the result of eschewing all semblances of a social life…

Personal Best

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This was written at 1 A.M., with very little sleep the night before. I make no guarantees regarding the coherence, or sanity, of the following words.

Psychologists have identified an altered state of consciousness known as “flow.” Wikipedia defines flow as: “the mental state of operation in which the person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing, characterized by a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity.” A more common name for this state is the clichéd phrase “In the zone.”

Today, for the first time in my life, I have experienced flow. It is the closest I have ever gotten to something that I would call “transcendence.”

As my regular readers will know, I’m participating in National Novel Writing Month, which entails writing a 50,000-word novel in 30 days. Needless to say, that requires an intensity of focus and the utmost concentration. Well, being rather dissatisfied with the novel I’ve got so far, I started writing a totally different story, just something that had been knocking around in my head and that I wanted to get on paper. I had no idea what awaited me.

I’ve often heard fellow writers say that you know your writing is going well when the story seems to take on a life of its own, and sort of “write itself.” Well, that’s what happened. I began writing at 5 P.M. It is now 1 A.M., and I have only just finished writing for the night. I have never, in my entire life, been as concentrated as I was for those eight hours. I entered such a profound state of “flow,” that time became utterly irrelevant. It was not until I pressed the “word count” button on my word processor that I realized just how focused I had become.

Dear readers: today, in the span of eight hours, I wrote (and I swear on my life that I’m not lying) 11,567 words. In 12-point Times New Roman, that is about 17.3 pages. Seventeen pages. This is, by far, the most productive I’ve ever been since I started writing in the fourth grade.

Needless to say quantity and quality are by no means necessarily linked. Actually, I’ve often thought they were mutually exclusive. And I make no guarantees that what I wrote is actually coherent, but still, it’s a feat I did not believe myself capable of. I’m not sure that I’d have the focus to write that many pages if I was just pressing random keys. Hell, under any other circumstance, I’m not sure I could even motivate myself to do that many pages by pressing the return key over and over.

Some people call this strange state “flow.” Others call it “being in the zone.” Still others call it “extreme sleep deprivation.” As cool as it may be, I’m still inclined to refer to it as “a momentary window into madness.”

Memorizing the Periodic Table

Partly out of boredom, and partly out of irritation at never, ever knowing the atomic weight of a particular element, I have decided to embark on the journey to memorize the entire periodic table (well, all the elements up to and including Uranium, at least). But what would even give me such a peculiar idea? Well, blame Oliver Sacks. I was reading through his book The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat (excellent book, by the way, for those who haven’t read it), and I was particularly intrigued by his discussion when talking about numerical savants’ familiarity with numbers: Dmitri Mendeleev, the developer of the periodic table, carried around a deck of cars with the elements’ properties listed on them, and looked them over until he knew them by heart. I’ve always wanted to learn something this thoroughly (and, in fact, I had a set of cars like this myself when I was younger). So, there you have it. I’ll keep my reader(s?) abreast of my progress.

Portal Continued…

Well, by accident, I managed to finish Portal in a single day. Sure, I would have liked to go through it slowly and have a look at all the scenery, but when you get immersed in a puzzle like that, you become like a lab rat in a maze: the cheese doesn’t even matter anymore; all that matters is the goal.

Still, despite that, Portal turned out to be one of the best games I’ve ever played. It’s definitely the best first-person-shooter-like game I’ve ever played. The environments were perfectly designed, the puzzles were challenging, but not brain-hurting, and it was incredibly, incredibly immersive. It was so immersive, in fact, that when I became trapped in a room filling with poisonous gas, I realized that my heart was actually hammering. (People who have played Portal will agree with me…for everybody else, that’s just a cruel teaser).

So, my previous conclusion stands: you should buy Portal. If you can’t buy it, or don’t want to, find someone who has (and no, you cannot come to my house. Don’t even try it. I keep vicious attack ostriches).

And one last note on Portal (this may be a semi-spoiler, so don’t read it if you want to keep all the mystery intact):

Portal

This morning, I woke up at 8 A.M. Willingly. I didn’t have to get up that early. I could have chosen to sleep in. The fact that I didn’t must mean that today is a special day. And it is. Today, Portal was released.

I have been awaiting this game since last year. For those who don’t understand why, you can learn more about the game here.

It is, as I expected, Portal is one of the most original FPS-style games that I’ve ever seen. After all, what other first person shooter allows you to bend spacetime? And the way the designers incorporated this bendiness into the multitude of puzzles is absolutely brilliant. My waiting, it seems, was not in vain.

But perhaps even cooler than the ability to step through a wall and drop out of the ceiling is the psychological aspect of the game. I won’t give anything away, but I’ll just say that this game, more than any other game I’ve ever played, will mess with your head. You begin to get the distinct impression of being a lab rat. Add to that the confusion of popping through one portal and ending up somewhere you hadn’t intended, and it becomes a disorienting (but incredibly amusing) ride.

If you don’t own Portal, buy it. Unfortunately, you can’t buy it separately from the Orange Box (the game set that also contains Half Life 2: Episode 2, Portal, and Team Fortress 2), but Portal alone is worth the US$49.95.

Given all the effusive gushing praise I just heaped on Portal, one might wonder why I have not slipped entirely into a disoriented, game-induced trance. Well, as much as I enjoy it, I’m not always very good at puzzles…so, before I started babbling to myself and pulling my hair out, I thought I’d give my weary brain a chance to rest and work out all the cramps I just caused it.

Many, many thanks to Valve and the other producers/distributors of Portal.

Technical Difficulties

Well, exactly as expected, my moving out has completely jumbled things. I’ve been laboring for the last few weeks, attempting to get my furniture arranged, my carpet cleaned, and all manner of such things. It’s been a malestrom of activity, and in that maelstrom, I’ve neglected to fix my — currently broken — Internet connection. So, I’m writing these words from the UNCC computer lab, and it appears that I’m going to be writing them this way for some time to come. I’ll try to be more regular about my updates, but who knows how likely that is?

More later, and thanks to any readers who are stubbornly clinging to this humble blog in spite of my absence.

Movin’ On Out

Wow…it seems such a long time since I last wrote a post in the “My Life” category. Probably has some connection to the fact that I have little life to speak of, but I digress. It seems now that I’ve got something to speak of.

Tomorrow, I move into my new condo. It’s a nice place, and I’m quite excited. It’s a big step for me, finally — after 19 years — moving away from home. Of course, I’m nervous, but I’m nervous about everything, so what does it matter?

Ooh…I love how the nervous, happy jitters show through in my writing. It adds that hint of borderline insanity that makes writing fun.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is, I don’t know how long it’s going to be before I get the Internet connection hooked up at my new place, so I’ll probably be absent for a while. To both of my readers, I apologize for this.

Onward!

Happy Birthday to Me

Last Monday, June 4th, I celebrated my 19th birthday. It’s not until now, however, nine days later, that I thought to mention it in my blog. Then, a thought occurred to me: I can finally make up for the long gaps between my recent articles by writing a story, no matter how pointless…yeah, that’ll fool the readers. Well, it seemed like a better thought in my head.

 So now I’m 19. My age is finally a prime number again, although it’s no longer divisible by nine, and won’t be again until I’m 27. Darn. That’s all for the mathematical analysis of my age.

Somehow, I already feel like an old man, despite the fact that all the real old men around me keep telling me that my life has just begun. But, if I live for a hundred years, I’ve lived almost one-fifth of my life. And, after looking at some of my relatives, I’m not certain that I’ve got a hundred years…

I thought birthdays were supposed to be cheerful. I guess that ended when I was around 16 (the last time my age will be a perfect square until I’m 25).

A New Kind of Paperboy

Well, it seems that the job application I turned in to the newspaper at my university (the University of North Carolina at Charlotte) a few months ago paid off. I’ve been in correspondence with someone at the paper for the last few weeks, and it seems that I’m soon to start as a staff writer! I had never expected that my first real job would actually be something I’m interested in, and am good at. I’d always expected that, like every other college student, I’d start my career at either a clothing store or a restaurant.

I’m ecstatic. A real writing job! Writing is one of my few talents, so its nice that this worked out…well, that it seems to be primed to work out…I don’t want to be too optimistic.

 Anyway, many things to do. Just wanted to keep my loyal readers informed.

The Generation Incapable of Seriuosness

For years, there have been warning signs that the younger generations are slowly losing their capacity for taking the world seriously. As time marches on, the media decays, and social discourse degenerates into a discussion of which cell phone is the best, which pop star is the most attractive, and which television show is more entertaining, the young are losing their ability to connect with or take seriously anything in their world.

I began to notice this a few years back, when I was in high school. As I rose through the ranks, from freshman, to sophomore, to junior, to senior, I gained the ability to “look back” as it were, at the younger students, to see just what the new generation of freshmen were like. I was appalled.

Something went wrong somewhere between my generation and the one three or four years younger. While I don’t claim that my generation had many noble qualities, it certainly seems that, on average, the younger one is much worse. For one thing, they all think so highly of themselves. Their egos are more inflated even than some of the athletes and pop artists that they idolize. They stride around in faddish, popular, and ludicrously expensive clothes, as if somehow their participation in mainstream consumer culture has given them the right to whatever they ask for.

The second thing I noticed about these young whippersnappers was the increasing proportion of “class clown” types among them. These are young people who not only can take a joke, but can take it so well that they don’t seem to be capable of anything else. Nothing they say can be taken seriously, and they walk around talking jokingly about everything, in their annoyingly sarcastic and matter-of-fact tones of voice.

Now, normally, I’d welcome such levity; I think that my generation and the older ones are, on the whole, in serious need of such levity. I’d welcome the refreshing lack of gravity in everything they talk about, if it did not betray such a rapidly degrading society. These youngsters don’t take anything seriously because everything is a fantasy to them. They’ve bought into, in a big way, the delusion that if they fix their hair properly, buy the perfect clothes, drive the best car, and date the most popular person, that their life will gain meaning and purpose immediately, and that everything will work out. While many in my generation have been permeated for much of their lives by the lies and false promises of the media, these younger folks have been basted in it for their entire lives. Not one waking moment has been spent without a talking box in the room challenging independent thought. Not one waking moment has been spent asking the question “Does the media really portray the world as it is?” Not one moment. This is not innocent capitalism. This is indoctrination.

Take a look at your average television commercial. Look at its gauzy, glossy, rococco illusions. Watch unrealistically proportioned, silicone-fortified, cosmetically-enhanced, over-dressed, superficial drones milling around, promoting low-quality, overpriced garbage that nobody would buy if the artificial need were not created. Look at how many of them are trying to create a need for products that nobody wants, nobody needs, and that are actually often dangerous. With all this in mind, consider this horrifying idea: the young people just a generation behind me see these commercials, and believe in them. They believe that the world should actually be like this: superficial and meaningless, based on transient consumer commodities with no real value. It’s no wonder they don’t take anything seriously.

Movie Land

In the same vein as my “TV Land” post, here is the world described in Hollywood films. In Movie Land…

• … if a black person is present, he or she will inevitably die first.
• … in the absence of a black person, or after they have departed, any person with glasses will die immediately.
• … if the room is dark and silent, somebody is going to die.
• … if a silence is followed by an absentminded moment of relief, somebody is going to die.
• … a shadow dropping from the ceiling is a surefire predictor of death.
• … fire leads immediately to explosion. No exceptions.
• … at least one car will explode at some time during the movie.
• … the female companion of the villain will, somehow, some way, defect to the hero’s side.
• … the hero will survive. Even if he is tossed out into the void of space, somehow, he or she will survive.
• … somebody who coughs has a terrible disease, and will be dead within minutes.
• … anybody who discovers an ancient artifact will immediately investigate it. They will subsequently die.
• … the person who makes clever quips throughout the beginning of the movie will either be killed heartbreakingly, or become the comic relief.
• … if the two focal characters are of opposite sexes, they will have at least one make-out scene, and probably a sex scene.
• … a projectile depicted in slow motion always finds its mark.
• … a one-liner is always a precursor to victory. No exceptions.
• … the more risky a driver you are, the less chance anything bad will actually happen to you.
• … if a spacecraft is punctured, a low-ranking person will be ejected into space.
• … an ominous but seemingly empty planet contains some sort of bizarre killer being that’s been waiting for 2,000 years. Always.
• … an evil villain who pretends to spare some poor weakling will kill him in short order.
• … a religious person who has lost their faith will regain it by the end of the film.
• … a cold, introverted, uncaring sort’s heart will be melted by the end of the film.
• … a cold woman will defrost by the end of the film, in a big way. She usually ends up having a love scene with the hero.
• … children are never killed, but are instead used to inspire fear and suspense that they might be killed.
• … if a police officer catches up with the hero (or villain) during a chase, that officer will be killed before pursuing legal action. Heroes and villains do not get speeding tickets.
• … if the camera is focused on the starter as someone turns the key, a car bomb is about to explode.
• … a person admitted into the hospital in critical condition either recovers remarkably quickly (their eyes usually snap open at the end of the film), or they flatline while the hero is present.
• … CPR either drags out endlessly or saves the recipient at the last possible moment.
• … zombies cannot use weapons. No exceptions.
• … alien creatures either speak English (often unaccented), or they speak in primal, indecipherable growls.
• … anybody who goes to “check anything out,” will be dead quickly.
• … a savant-ish person will either find a great use for their talent or they will become sociable by the end of the film.
• … if it’s unlikely, if it’s foolish, if it makes no sense, if it’s implausible, if it has no bearing on the plot, it is certain to happen at least once.

More on this later…movies are definitely a more fertile ground for this than TV.

iNsoMniA

Sleep certainly is an important part of our lives. Yet, we do it so easily that we rarely think about it. That’s a good thing, and I know, because I’ve seen what happens when you think about it.

I’ve been experimenting for about a week now with so-called “lucid dreaming” (if you don’t know what it is, this article’s not bad). If you don’t want to read through that whole article, in a nutshell, lucid dreaming is when you realize you’re in a dream while the dream’s in progress. I’ve done it twice, and I must say it’s pretty damn cool. Unfortunately, my lucid dreams have been fuzzy, brief, and rather uncontrolled. So I decided to get some practice.

Now, the normal way to induce a lucid dream is to wake up about five hours after you go to sleep, wake your mind up just enough to control your mind, then go back to bed, and maintain your conscious awareness while you slip back to sleep. But, just like any good American teenager, I decided I didn’t have the patience to wait for five hours (my idea makes less and less sense the more I think about it), and supposedly, you can induce a lucid dream the first time you go to bed at night.

Long story short: it didn’t work. I tried and tried to go to sleep, which is a formula for dire, dire failure. Eventually, I conked out, around 4 A.M. Oh, if only I hadn’t had my early class this morning, a class which mandates that I get up at 6 A.M. Result? Two hours’ sleep.

Since I left high school, I’d almost allowed myself to forget just how much sleep deprivation sucks. The entire morning, I could scarcely pry my eyes open, and my handwriting degenerated even worse than usual. I’m still not sure whether or not my class notes will be legible when it comes time to study them.

Around 9 A.M., the interminable class finally ended, and I hurried to the soda machine before the machine-refiller-guy blocked it. I downed an energy drink called “Adrenaline Rush.” Within a few minutes, in addition to having a very hyperactive bladder, I was finally (mostly) among the living again. It was around this point that I made the amusing observation that sparked this blog entry: I had become like the main character from the movie Crank, staying alive only by keeping myself constantly pumped with artificial stimulants (caffeine, B vitamins, taurine, ginesing, et cetera. Who knew it was possible to put all that crap in one twelve-ounce can?).

So my advice to other people who think they can manually make themselves fall asleep: you’re wrong. Don’t even try it. And for the potential lucid dreamers who read this: in my experience, you can NOT do it at the beginning of the night. Either take a nap and do it then, or wake up in the wee hours of the morning and do it then.

English and I Don’t Get Along

I may have mentioned this before, but I have a problem with the English language. Ever since I was a child in elementary school, I’ve had in the back of my mind a list of contradictions and problems with the language. I was always harshly criticized by my friends and teachers when I attempted to fit the irregular verbs into the regular framework, and as a result, I was forcibly taught the language properly. But my discontent at its irregularities, contradictions, and problems remained, and to this day, they still annoy me.

These thoughts were forced back to the forefront when I began taking German in high school. So much of German made sense, all fitting into the established grammatical rules, that I began to see English the way non-native speakers see it: an overly complicated and contrived bundle of words and makeshift, jury-rigged rules. And having seen this in English, I began to see it in German as well. German may be much more sensible than English, but it, too, has its irregular verbs, verbs that don’t conjugate properly, for whatever reason. So my search for a less-confusing language continued.

I then learned of Esperanto, and after perusing some introductory material on the Internet, began an attempt to teach it to myself. This attempt turned into a whole series, each one punctuated by my losing interest for a few months, forgetting what I’d learned, and then going back and having to re-do the online course.

At some point during all this, I learned of Lojban. Lojban is now, in my mind, the best artificial language on the planet. It may be the best overall. It is, from the material I’ve read and from what little experience I’ve had with it, completely unambiguous, logical, and sensible. The only downside is that, after many years of English, my brain is apparently quite averse to a language that makes perfect sense. I simply have trouble wrapping my head around it. That (coupled, probably, with my utter impatience) has made Lojban the most difficult language I’ve yet tried to learn. But, if nothing distracts me, perhaps I’ll be able to give it another go.

I have just one more thing to say. To the English language: Curse you English, curse you.

Daylight “Savings” Time

Since I was a little kid, I’ve always been mystified by the practice of Daylight Savings Time. It’s always struck me as one of humanity’s most illogical practices, and considering what humanity is like, that’s saying a lot.

The very idea of Daylight Savings Time annoys me to no end.

Mister Government: Okay, remember to set your clocks ahead so that your internal clock will be confused all day!

Humanity: But why? It doesn’t help anybody!

Mister Government: It’s so the farmers can have an extra hour to work in the fields!

Humanity: But most farming these days is done by machines, many of which are computerized, and many farms are becoming part of large corporations.

Mister Government: Do it because I say so!

Humanity: Okay…

Mister Government: You didn’t say “Simon Says.”

But the final insult: the government has decided this year to arbitrarily move this already-arbitrary event a couple of months earlier than usual! And the justification for this idiotic move? To save energy. Now, perhaps in other circumstances, perhaps with different people in government, this might not seem like such an insane decision. But we’re talking about the administration that gives tax breaks for people buying gas-guzzling Hummers. The same administration that actively discouraged almost every type of energy-efficient vehicle that ever came down the line.

Can you tell that I’m pissed about this?

A Quick Note

As I usually do around once a day, I logged into my blog yesterday to check my stats. Obviously this is something less than the most prestigious blog in the world, and I’m usually fairly pleased when my number of views reaches my all-time world record of…14 views. So, it was much to my surprise when I logged in yesterday and found a whopping (and yes, it is whopping. Hey, I don’t try to dictate your reality, don’t dictate mine) 38 views. So I enjoyed my little fifteen seconds of minuscule fame, until I scrolled down the stats page to see just what those 38 people had Googled in order to find me. The answer was a bit of a letdown.

It turns out that people were searching for information about the Toyota Yaris, the car which I wrote about as a candidate to replace my old one. And while many people in my position would simply be happy to get this many views, I have some problems with this:

1. With this blog, I’ve always tried to be a throwback to that bring back the sixties, fight the system, the Man is keeping us down, the corporate machine is ruining the world sort of information-dispersal-campaign rebellion. And what did I do? I managed to inadvertently associate myself with a massive, wealthy corporate venture. And not only that, I’ve now also become associated with a name under the umbrella of the ALMIGHTY ©.
2. Out of all the posts I’ve written, the puny little one about the new car I was considering hardly merits a thorough reading. And yet that lousy post has now gotten more publicity than all of my good posts combined. (I mean, look at the post. It’s hardly a stunning treatise. I guess people really go for pictures…)
3. Now, I do understand somebody Googling the Yaris, especially if they were considering buying one. What I don’t understand is why somebody would read a blog post of all things about it, and what’s more, a post in a blog called “The Life of a Math Major.” Do math majors really have that much social authority? I mean, I know we have a sexy celebrity air about us (shut up, you know it’s true…), I just didn’t realize just how much people sought our opinions (I can hear you giggling. Stop it!)